Can you say embarrassing?

So I have the silly little habit of keeping track of every single blog I create/post on and sometimes, after years I look at them to see how much I’ve changed. I have one thing to say: I want to punch myself for being so stupid. Most of the entries are fine, just some where I’m ranting, I need to kick myself for. My mindset back then needed so many adjustments. I’m not proclaiming to be perfect now, though. Aside from that…

I don’t have much to say.
Blogs aren’t fun unless you have some kind of drama going on in your life, which my life is pretty chill 90% of the time :/

What are you so afraid of?

You always find fault with me. You think my life could be better. You disapprove with my drug habits. You think I shouldn’t party to have fun. You think my visions are wrong. You think I’ve changed.

You’re trying to control my life. You try and tell me what’s right and wrong. You can’t fucking influence me like that. What I do is MY choice. Leave me alone, worry about your own life. You abused perscriptions, I use weed. Those are two different types of drugs, don’t even tell me the have the same effect. You don’t know, quit acting like you know. Just because you’re nineteen and THINK you know everything you don’t. Get back to reality already. It’s physically impossible to get addicted to weed. Mentally, it is possible. But do I act like an addict? No. Do I sacrifice every ounce of money I receieve towards weed? No. Just because I like to smoke weed, and do it often, doesn’t giveyou the right to say I’m addicted and that weed is my life. You only know what I tell you, which isn’t a whole lot since you really don’t give a shit half the time I tell you. I’ve secluded myself from telling you nearly everything.

You think sex is my life too, says the man who’s almost never had sex. I love Tre’, and having sex has never made me feel so close to him. Of course, you’ll just say “He’s using you” but do you know him Rob? Really? Do you know half of the things he’s been through? He wouldn’t use me. Get to know him before you judge him. I hate that. Why are you so confident we won’t last? Are you really that jealous that you’ve convinced yourself we’re going to break up? We aren’t Rob, and never will. You’re just pissed I’ve lasted in longer relationships than you.

You think it’s stupid to take college courses now, and get the credits towards college now,  to be able to party later. How would you know if it’s stupid? YOU DON’T FUCKING GO TO COLLEGE. Go to college then tell me it’s stupid.I’m not like you Rob. I like to have fun at parties. I’m sorry I’m not a fucking loser and sit on my ass all day and don’t go anywhere.

You say I’ve changed. How? I’m the same person I was in August, I’m the same person I was in January. So what if I do drugs? Many people do Rob. You can’t conclude that I’ve changed just because I’ve tried shit. I’d never know if I didn’t try. Unlike you, who’s so fucking afraid of doing…anything really. Look where you are.You say I’ve sided with Tre’? How? What situation has there been that I’ve had to pick between you or him? None.

I’ve got a life, a damn good one with a lot of laughs, and memories. What do you have? What are you so afraid of?

Why am I so jealous?

Why do I want to just show this chick that’s he’s MY boyfriend and they aren’t about to “go out”.
Why do I care so much that her status is talking about Tre’, saying how he is by far amazing.
I know how amazing he is, but sorry, he’s mine. I’m greedy and rather not share.
I trust Tre’ with everything I am, so I’m not going to interfere.
But it just pisses me off, you know?
To have another girl come onto your boyfriend.
It worries you a little. It makes you afraid that he’d end up thinking the other girl was more amazing.
I bet if I had a guy come onto me like that girl, he’d see where I’m coming from.

I love him to death; I never want to leave him.
I’m so lucky to have a boyfriend like him.

Sincerely, Alexis.

month meme

JUNE:
Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

fuck you.

Alright, so while things with me and Tre’ are going just fine, and I couldn’t be happier, there is one fucktard in particular that I just want to shove her face into the cement.

Her name’s Savannah, the girl Tre’ had prior relations with before me, had announced she was pregnant with Tre’s child, and the girl who thinks she can scare me.

So while I spent a sleepless night online as usual, around 2AM she messages me, wanting to start a random conversation. I wasn’t sure where she was heading with this, but I went along. Then she mentioned being pregnant, which these allegations have been cleared and proven to be false by her mother.  Deciding to be witty, I asked “You mean the non-existant baby? ROFL.” This of course, set her off apparently and thus created a downward spiral of words being thrown around.

I’m so sorry for assuming she even had some kind of intelligance level, because everything I said as a comeback she didn’t seem to understand. Nor did she understand my hidden sarcasm when I made fun of her grammar skillz. Although, what seemed to surprise me the most is when she’s threatened she can actually type properly, and understand basic human language like “Stay the fuck away,” and “Fuck off, or you’ll get your ass kicked.”

All in all I wasted my time on something for two hours and finally called it a night around 4AM.

Sincerely, Alexis.

february?

So I wasn’t critisized too harshly on my rough draft, just a few minor aggreement errors. Lauren, you’re a fucktard. I didn’t have any run-on sentances like you said I did. I double checked and as long as they have some kind of punctuation mark in between two clauses it’s not a run-on -.-

There wasn’t anything physically wrong with the story, I just had a few words mixed up and had to change some things to the past tense since this issue of the newspaper is coming out after the dance, and that’s what I’m writing about.

You know, I wasn’t too confident when I first picked to write about Snowcoming, but as the ideas naturally flowed it became much easier to produce a nice story that wasn’t too wordy, or boring. I suppose writing just comes naturally for me.

Now that that minor rant is done with, I can move on to other things. Tre’ and I are back together and this is just something I’ve never been so sure about. I feel like I can say I love him, but of course people will counter that with the oh-so famous line “You don’t know what love is.” Neither do you because love has tons of definitions.

Weed. I was thinking long about this and I hate it when people look down on someone for smoking weed. I also hate it when people say it’s bad for you. How would you know? You’ve never tried it, or probably even done research on it. Collect both sides of evidence before you spout shit off.

Lily Allen. I’ve come across this artist in Spin magazine while in study hall today. Previously, I’d only listened to her song LDN which was one of them that made her famous. She speaks her mind and says basically whatever the fuck she wants, despite what the media says. I admire her, because if I could say whatever I wanted, and when I wanted, I’d be the most hated person alive. She definately goes into my book of lyrical geniuses alongside Dallas Green.

scream for love.

Honestly you make me want to scream I love you at the top of my lungs.

fuck.

Most of all the one person I hate is myself.

name.

I miss the way things used to be. It should be a sin to miss them this much. I used to know what love was. Just because I am young, doesn’t mean I can’t know what it is. And even if I didn’t know, I can say what it feels like, what love should be, and should not be. Now, I’m not sure if it’s even there anymore. Recently love to me is just a word overly used and commercialized, making teens believe it’s this perfect romance. Love isn’t perfect, love is going through pain because you care about somebody so deeply. I’ve experienced pain, and love. I’m letting go of both.

When people ask me “Who are you?” I want to reply, “I don’t know.” but if I said that to every single person I’ve met they’d call me crazy. So I respond, “Alexis.” But am I really that girl? That girl who was supposed to have a straightedge life, who wanted to accomplish goals, and create friendships? No, I’m someone completely different then a year ago. I don’t know if this is a good thing or bad thing. I’ll never know who I am, and it’s better this way.

brilliance

so i rant on a site called gaia, on a forum called dirty little secrets. i was reading some from August to September and i was brilliant. I wish I still thought this way. here are a few highlights.

“i hate when i think.
when i think, i write.
when i write half of it doesn’t make sense.
my mind written in words is a jumbled up mess
that is never to be translated except by the author
herself. a numb realization of the facts of everyday life.
i’m trying to be someone i cannot.
yet i write as if i’m determined.
or just crazy in the head. the dreams and ambitions
of a young teen that seem impossible.
impossible made possible.
by me.”

“It’s like they’ll always have a place in your heart, because they’ve impacted your life
in a way you know no one else can. But you know, you can’t love them anymore
because no matter how many times you get back with that person things are always
different. You can be happy, but in the back of your mind you’re afraid of getting fucked over
again. That’s why I’ve given up on him. I’ll always love him, and he’ll always have a place
but things aren’t going to go back to the way they were. Never again.

My uncle talking about my aunt made me think about this. I really wanted to just give him”

august 12th, 2008 was the day i decided i wanted to become a psychologist.

“We never know what we want.
But we’ll take what we can.”

…a lot of things were painful to read.